Week 13: Transitions in Marriage: In Law Relations

Every family has a culture, a way of doing things. 

In my family we have a culture of respect.  We respect one anothers opinions and treat one another with respect.  Because this is the way that we function, if we were to get upset with one another we would lose sleep over it and be worried that we had offended the other.  

In my husband’s family, they speak their minds more openly.  When they are annoyed with one another they tell them. They don’t get offended by one another easily, and let things roll off easily.  No grudges are held, and they can move on quickly from a disagreement.  

When we were first married this difference of family culture was a new concept to me.  I remember on one occasion listening to my husband and his brother speak on the phone.  His brother said something that annoyed my husband and I was in shock in how they spoke to each other, I would never speak to someone in my family in that way.  The next day I asked my husband if him and his brother were okay.  He looked at me with a perplexed look and asked, “what are you talking about?”  I reminded him about the argument him and his brother had had the night before and the words that had been said.  My husband laughed and said, “that was yesterday, we are fine today!”  And they were.

Differences in Families

In the article Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, authors James Harper and Susanne Olsen teach that “marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be challenging.” Harper and Olsen continue to teach that we should look forward to and embrace these differences though because they have potential to create growth in family members.

This is often easier said than done.  Often there are strong differences that can cause contention and distancing, such as differences in religious beliefs, values or attitudes.  “Where there are strong differences, personality clashes, or even past offenses it is important to lay those aside at extended family gatherings and treat each other with politeness, dignity and respect.”

Importance of Creating Marital Identity

It is important that husband and wife create their own identity.  Harper and Olsen teach the “invisible fence” concept where a couple shares intimate details of their life and certain behaviors within the bounds of this invisible fence.  This information and behavior  is not to be shared with those outside of the fence, including their friends and family. 

While this concept seems obvious, it can be a challenge in some situations.  For example, a mother and daughter who have always been very close and shared details of their life with one another may struggle with the new bounds that are necessary when the daughter marries.  It is okay for a mother and a daughter to still have a close relationship, but changes in what is discussed and the frequency in which they discuss needs to be adjusted or the new husband may be left feeling as if his mother-in-law is more important to his wife than he is. 

Tug-of-War

“Often the relationship between families can be like a tug-of-war, with the wife’s mother giving the main tug on one end and the husband’s mother at the other end.”

-James Harper & Janette Olsen

It is important that husband and wife do not allow themselves to be put in the middle of this tug-of-war. It is equally important that parents allow their married children some distance to strengthen their marital relationship. When parents insert themselves into decision making such as where holidays are spent, where a couple chooses to live, what career path they take or their decision to have children they have overstepped their bounds and it is important that a couple takes a unified approach in setting boundaries.

Harper and Olsen suggest 3 steps to when faced with this situation:

1. First express love to parents for all that they do.
2. Explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity.
3. Explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship.

But this does not mean that we need to completely shut out our parents and extended family. In Genesis 2:24 we read “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” Harper and Olsen further explain that “cleave” means to “remain attached, devoted or faithful to.”    Again, “leaving our father and mother” does not mean excluding them from our lives, rather it means that they are no longer the most important figures in our lives. We need to make sure that our spouse knows that they are the most important person in our lives and that they will always come first. 

Eternal Families

Understanding and accepting differences in family can be difficult, but it is worth the effort.  

 Extended families can be such a blessing in a married couples lives.  I am so grateful in my own family that my husband and I have good relationships with one another’s families.  I genuinely enjoy being with his family and he genuinely enjoys being with mine.  That does not mean that there have not been differences or irritations, but it means that we have come to accept and love those differences.