Transitions in Marriage: Power Relations and Children

As a mom I feel like I say “NO” a lot!  

“Can I jump off the roof?”  NO!

“Can I play with those matches?” NO!

“Can I have cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner?”  NO!

Often the answer is NO because what my children are asking is unsafe or illogical, expensive or time does not allow.  But I also find myself being quick to say no to simple, everyday things that often leave me wondering why I didn’t just say yes.  Like when my kids ask if they can paint their nails or do an art project.  While I need to be slower to not give the knee-jerk reaction response “NO!” it is also okay to tell our kids NO!  

In the article Who Is the Boss? Richard Miller teaches:

“Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines.  Be sure to say no when it is needed.  As Dr. John Rodemond counseled: ‘Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N.  This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character building two-letter word in the English language “No.” Unfortunately, many, if not most of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need.’”

 According to Miller the root of many family problems are issues regarding power.  The above teaching is one of Miller’s principles regarding power relations in power, these principles are powerful and worth addressing. 

 

Parents are the Leader in the Family

Parents should lead the family, not the tantrum throwing toddler or the entitled teenager, the parents. I feel like a broken record when I tell my kids “we set rules for you because we love you.” But this repeated phrase in our home is true, setting limits for your child is an act of love.  As parents this is our duty, it is okay to say no.  But it is also important to do so in a loving way, we should never be abrasive, demeaning or abusive in our efforts to set limits and teach our children. 

Parents Must Be United in their Leadership

In my home when my children ask me for permission to do something they are likely to hear “have you already asked your Dad?”  and when they come to my husband they will most likely hear “have you already asked your Mom?” Our kids know that if Mom or Dad already gave them an answer that the other parent will back them up.   

We are united, we have each other’s back and our kids know it. 

The Parent-Child Hierarchy Dissolves When Children Become Adults

In healthy families, the relationships between children and their parents must adjust as they become adults. A parent goes from being the leader who sets the limits to stepping back and letting their children fly.  Adult children need to make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes as well as from their successes.  

In marriage, we are commanded to leave our father and mother and to cleave to our spouse.  As a young newlywed this is something I struggled with, I had spent my whole life being led by my parents and I often left my husband feeling as though I valued my parent’s input when it came to our life decisions more than his own.  This was no fault to my parent’s, in fact they have always been great at only offering advice when I have sought it out. Over the years I have learned to respect my parent’s counsel but have learned to cleave to my husband and our marriage has been strengthened because of this. 

 Marital Relationship Should be a Partnership

Husband and wives should be treated equally in a marriage, but it is important to remember that equal does not mean the same.  We are taught through The Family: A Proclamation to the World that “all human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”  As husbands and wives, we each have divine roles and are created in a way that compliments one another. 

 Elder Henry B. Eyring spoke of the differences of a husband and a wife and how we can use our similarities to understand one another and our differences to complement one another.  What a beautiful way to look at the differences in our own marriage.  

In marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority, the woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman.  They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.”

-President Gordon B. Hinckley