WEEK 9: Managing Conflict

My husband and I have been married for 17 years and I remember as clear as day the first advice that my mom gave to me as a newlywed.  She shared an experience with me from when she was first married, she and my dad had gotten in their first argument as a married couple.  While the argument was over something fickle, she was upset and turned to her mother to vent about the argument and to complain about how my dad had made her feel.  As my mom told me about this experience she told me that her and my dad quickly made up and moved on, but that my grandmother was slower to forgive my dad for making her daughter upset.  The advice that my mother gave me was simple, she said “Marriage is wonderful, but YOU will disagree.  You WILL fight.  But you will also learn to deal with your disagreement and how to forgive one another. Face your disagreements head on, together!”  
 

My mom continued to share with me that she loved me and cared for me and was always there for me BUT emphasized the importance of remembering that conflict between my husband and I was between us and to be respectful of that by not sharing every disagreement or misunderstanding with others.  She had learned this the hard way as a naïve newlywed who ran to her mother at the first sign of trouble.  Over the years she matured and learned that the most effective way to manage conflict in her marriage was to work it through with my dad.  My parents have a wonderful marriage and are a wonderful example to me of how to deal with disagreements in marriage. 

 How can we manage conflict in marriage?

John Gottman teaches that there are 2 categories of marital conflict: those that can be resolved and those that are perpetual.  Perpetual conflict is of concern because this type of conflict means the issue has become part of the culture of your marriage and will continue to be a part of your marriage unless change occurs. Gottman gives the alarming statistic, that 69% of conflict in marriage falls in the category of perpetual conflict. 

Gottman teaches 5 Strategies to help solve your conflict in marriage:

1.       Soften your start-up. When we are being a discussion harshly, the direction of the conversation is likely going to become an argument.  As Gottman said “if you go straight for the jugular, you’re going to draw plenty of blood.”  When we start in a softer manner we will be much more effective in our efforts to discuss conflict. 

2.       Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Sometimes right in the middle of an argument we realize that the conversation is going in the wrong direction.  When we find that this is the case, repair attempts are often made to change the direction of the conversation, these repair attempts are more likely to be successful when our relationship is strong, and we feel respected by our spouse.

3.       Soothe yourself and each other. Look for ways that you know will calm your spouse, such as giving them a back rub, and remember that it is important to take a break to cool down when conflict is escalating quickly. 

4.       Compromise. Compromise is the only way to solve conflict within marriage. Gottman states that “compromise is not about just one person changing, its about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other.”

5.       Process and grievances to that they don’t linger.  Often conflict, even when resolved, leaves one or both spouses feeling hurt.  It is important to repair that hurt as well as to forgive one another.

As my wise mother taught me, all relationships have conflict, it’s inevitable.  But it is how we manage that conflict that determines whether a marriage can weather the storm or not.  I love the wise words of Lynn G. Robbins: