WEEK 8: BEWARE OF PRIDE

As of recently, if you were to walk in my home you would most likely hear the music to The Greatest Showman playing on repeat.  This movie shares a great message of being yourself, following your dreams, treating everyone with kindness and overcoming hardship.  But weaved in this story is also a story of pride. 

The main character P.T. Barnum grows up in poverty and is treated poorly throughout his childhood, losing his father at a young age he is left to fend for himself.  Barnum falls in love and marries his childhood friend Charity, a young woman who grew up in wealth and privilege.  In a heartwarming song A Million Dreams Barnum daydreams of the life that he will make for himself and for Charity, and near the end of the song Charity sings these words:

“However big, however small let me be a part of it all. Share your dreams with me. You may be right, you may be wrong.  But say that you’ll bring me along to the world you see.”

Charity’s hopes and dreams for her marriage are not made of fortune, but rather to have a strong marriage with her husband and to build their dreams together, she wants to be “part of it all.”

The young love of P.T. and Charity is filled with a unified dream that they begin to build together. But as time progresses Barnum’s dreams begin to become a reality and he finds himself surrounded by success and wealth.  At some point in his journey he loses sight of what matters most and quits turning to Charity for advice and approval and finds himself on a path of pride, failing to let his wife influence him. As most stories of pride goes this becomes the downfall of P.T. Barnum and eventually he loses his fortunes and almost his family. 

 

 In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman says that in his research he found that “the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife.”

While pride is destructive in a marriage, whether it comes from the husband or the wife, research shows that it is much more common and more destructive when that pride comes from the husband.  In fact, Gottman’s research shows that marriages where men who do not allow their wives to influence them and who are not willing to share the power in their marriage have an 81% chance that their marriage will fail. 

Common Pride Games Played Within a Marriage:

It is easy to find ourselves playing pride games, without even realizing that we are doing so, in our marriages that can be destructive. Read through this list of pride games and try to identify areas in your own relationships that you have room for improvement in.**

·         Being impatient with your spouse.

·         Ignoring your spouse or playing the “silent game” (stonewalling)

·         “Keeping Score” and feeling inferior to your spouse

·         Refusing to forgive.

·         Having an attitude of entitlement

·         Thinking only of your own needs

·         Withholding love and affection

·         Being manipulative

·         Turning others against your spouse.

·         Unwillingness to learn from spouse

·         Stubbornness

What can we do to avoid falling into the cycle of pride in our own marriages?

The answer to this question is quite simple, we can avoid falling into the vicious cycle of pride in our marriages by showing honor and respect for our spouse.  We can show interest in one another opinions.  We can work to really listen when they speak and engage in the conversation, so they know that we really care. We can turn to one another when we are facing life decisions. 

In the book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard addresses pride in our marriages.  He teaches that the natural man views problems as always someone else fault.  When trouble arises in a marriage a natural man would feel that “We are innocent. They are guilty” and that to solve the problem that our spouse needs to make changes.  Goddard suggests this approach instead:

“Acceptance may be more important than change in strong marriages.”

Near the end of The Greatest Showman, when P.T. Barnum recognizes the pride cycle that he has gotten caught in, he repentantly turns to his wife, recognizing his mistakes he apologizes to her for failing to turn to her in his decisions.  In song, he promises that from this point on he will make changes to be the man he once was singing “Let this promise in me start like an anthem in my heart, From now on.”

It is never to late to make changes in our marriage.  If we recognize that we have fallen victim of the cycle of pride we can make changes in our ways and commit to make changes “from now on.” 

“When a husband accepts his wife’s influence,

 he also strengthens their friendship”

-John Gottman

**List drawn from material in BYU-I FAM 300 Marriage course

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.