Week 11: Fidelity and Sexual Intimacy

As I have mentioned previously I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, also known as LDS or Mormons. This week I will be taking a faith-based approach in discussing sexual intimacy in marriage and how we can go about teaching these principles to our children. If you are unfamiliar with the LDS faith, I encourage you to explore what we believe at www.mormon.org

Sexual Intimacy Teachings in the LDS Church

Having grown up in the church I was taught the principle of abstinence and that sexual intimacy should be saved for marriage. In The Family: A Proclamation tothe World it states that “God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.”

In the For Strength of Youth pamphlet, it teaches the principles of sexual intimacy to the youth and states that “physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. God has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage.”

These principles were instilled in me from the time I was a child at home and reinforced in my years in the LDS Young Woman program (program for girls age 12-18 in the LDS church). I am so grateful for these teachings and the loving way in which I was taught of the sacredness of sexual purity.

Caution in the Approach Taken

Unfortunately, while the intentions of these teachings are important it is important to be cautious in the approach that is taken. It is important that we teach our youth that sexual intimacy can be a beautiful part of marriage, and that there should be no shame associated within marriage.

We are all familiar with Elizabeth Smart and her heartbreaking experience of being kidnapped, raped and continually forced to engage in sexual acts with her abductor. In an interview with Broadly, Elizabeth Smart shared how her faith helped her get through this nightmare that was her reality. But she also addressed changes that can be made to how we discuss chastity with the youth in our church. She said:

“It's so stressed that, girls in particular, tie their worth to their virginity, or, for lack of a better word, purity. I did make that promise to myself that I was going to wait until marriage before I had sex... Well, then I was kidnapped, and I was raped, and one of the first thoughts I had was, 'No one is ever going to want to marry me now: I'm worthless, I'm filthy, I'm dirty.' I think every rape survivor feels those same feelings but having that with the pressure of faith compounded on top—it was almost crippling."

Elizabeth Smart shares of an experience before her abduction when she was taught in a church setting that "You're like this stick of gum, and if you have sex before you're married, it's like someone chews up that piece of gum, and then when you're done, who wants a piece of gum that's already chewed up? No one."

How heartbreaking to imagine that this sweet girl, who had been victimized and repeatedly abused, felt she was worthless and dirty. Fortunately for Elizabeth Smart, she was surrounded by a loving family who helped her get the professional help that she needed to begin her process of healing after her rescue.

How Can We Better Teach Our Youth About Intimacy?

Sean E. Brotherson teaches that as Latter-day Saints, most of the dialogue that we hear about sexual matters falls into these 2 categories:

1.  The incessant chatter and noise of the world, Satan, and related sources that constantly hype and sensationalize sexual intimacy with distorted images of sensuality and misplaced or twisted values and expressions of sexuality.
2. The powerful and compelling warnings of prophetic leaders and caring Church members who seek to steer us away from pornography, sexual exploitation, and immorality in sexual matters.

Brotherson goes onto teach that that there is a third dialogue that should not be ignored, the dialogue about the “sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife.”

This is where we should start when teaching our youth about sanctity of sexual intimacy in marriage. Be open, do not make this topic something that they should be scared to talk to you about. It will inevitably be uncomfortable the first time you talk to your kids about sex, but I have found in my own family that once we opened that door and got that first talk out of the way that it has become so much easier to discuss.

If we first focus on the “why” of saving sexual intimacy for marriage we can better help our youth understand that sex is not something to be ashamed of or an act that should make us feel dirty within the bounds of marriage. But rather, that because of its sanctity and the purpose in which God designed physical intimacy that we should save this act for marriage.

President Hugh B,. Brown addressed this issue when he taught “thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

There is Always a Way Back

 When teaching our children about sexual intimacy it is important that we do not ignore the reality that not all youth will choose the course of abstinence. We need to make sure our youth do not feel unworthy of repentance. There is always a way back. Our Savior Jesus Christ, atoned for our sins that through repentance we can be clean again.

And as in the case of Elizabeth Smart, and countless others who find themselves a victim of sexual abuse, we need to make every effort to make them know without a doubt that this is not their fault. They are not worthless. They are not filthy. They are not dirty. Envelope them with love and help them get the professional help that they need to begin to recover with what they have been through.

Sean Brotherson shared an experience he had while talking to his mother shortly before his own marriage. He asked her what intimacy in marriage should be like and she answered that “sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.” I love this response.

Let us all follow the example of this mother when teaching our children about intimacy. Let us teach them to abstain from premarital sexual intimacy but also teach them that sex is such an important part of marriage. Because it is.