Week 10: Seeking to Understand

What comes to mind when you think of the word gridlock?

Likely you picture being at an intersection in your car with no way to move with all cars at a standstill in all directions.

Or perhaps you think of a political standstill.  In a political gridlock, the parties involved cannot agree on what is best for the people, making it difficult for laws to be passed.  

Whether you think of a traffic standstill or a political standstill, in either situation frustration at how to solve the problem is likely present.  

I would like you to now consider another scenario in which gridlock can occur…. marital gridlock.

 Have you ever found your and your spouse continually arguing over the same issue and feeling like solving this problem is an impossible task?  This is gridlock.  While it is important to address the issue that is causing gridlock, John Gottman teaches that “you don’t have to solve the problem to get past gridlock” but you do need to address it. 

So how do we deal with these differences, so they don’t cause gridlock in our marriage?

First, it is important to remember that all marriages have disagreements and arguments, it is inevitable.  

One spouse may want a big family, while the other may not want to have children.  One spouse may be free spirited when it comes to finances and want to live in the moment, while the other is more focused on saving for the future.  One spouse may thrive on living in a clean environment, while the other couldn’t care less about whether the home is clean and would prefer to spend their time doing other things. 

John Gottman teaches that most differences come down to different dreams. 

 “To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect.”

-John Gottman

Whether we share the same dreams or not, the key is in recognizing and respecting the dream of our spouse. To address gridlock, we must first learn how to become a “dream detective” and learn to uncover our dreams as well as our spouses dreams that may be causing the conflict. 

John Gottman’s 4 Steps to Work on a Gridlocked Marriage:

Step 1: Explore the Dreams

When facing conflict give each spouse 15 minutes to share their feelings about the conflict and why they feel the way that they do.  During this time focus on uncovering what dream is fueling your frustration. It is important that during this time, the other spouse listens without judgement and encourages their spouse to share how they feel. When we understand our spouse’s dreams, we are more understanding of where our spouse is coming from in conflict.  

For many years in my marriage, finances were a matter of conflict between me and my husband.  My husband spent more freely than I did, and I often found myself frustrated at his lack of control.  On the other hand, I was so focused on saving that he often found himself frustrated at my continual nagging about finances.  We had come to place of gridlock in our marriage when it came to finances.  Then one day I came upon a podcast by financial guru, Dave Ramsey who talked about the importance of helping or spouse see our dream when it came to finances.  I decided to try this approach, it couldn’t hurt…right?  I sat down and expressed to my husband that it was important to me that we prepare for our future.  I feared reaching retirement and not being financially prepared to make ends meet and dreamed of being able to travel with him and live a care free retirement with him when it came to finances.  He explained to me that he worked hard to support our family and felt frustrated that he couldn’t have some money to enjoy now and again.  This conversation was a monumental moment in our marriage.  We were able to see one another’s dreams and better understand where the other was coming from. 

Step 2: Soothe

Be aware of your feelings as you discuss your dreams with one another.  If one spouse begins to feel overwhelmed, take 20 minutes to do something that will help you calm down.  Take a bath, go on a walk, or read a book. But be sure to take the time needed to be able to readdress the conflict calmly. 

Step 3: Reach a Temporary Compromise

Gottman suggests the Two-Circle Method when working to find a compromise.  Remember, you may not solve the issue that is causing conflict, but you need to work together to find a way to deescalate the problem.  

In the Two-Cricle Method each spouse identifies the issues they are flexible in and willing to compromise and they also identify areas that they are unwilling to compromise.  Once the lists are written they come together and share their lists and discuss ways in which they can compromise that is pleasing to both partners. 

In the situation of finances in my own marriage, once we were able to understand one another’s dreams we were both more willing to compromise.  I felt it important to pay off our debts and put away money each month towards retirement but was willing to add categories to our monthly budget that allowed for some fun.  My husband was willing to sacrifice some fun to save.  We implemented a plan and have been so grateful to be on the same page with our finances.  

Step 4: Say “Thank You”

Overcoming gridlock is not always easy, in fact it will likely take time and effort. It is important to express gratitude to your partner for their willingness to work hard with you to overcome your conflict.  Gottman suggests looking for 3 specific things that you can thank your partner for. 

It is amazing how far a little appreciation can go.  In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Goddard teaches that “the single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners characters; it is in loving, cherishing and appreciating them!”

I challenge each of you to take a few minutes each day to tell your spouse that you love them and that you appreciate them!