WEEK 5: BEHAVIORS THAT NEGATIVELY AFFECT MARRIAGE

My husband makes me laugh, like belly laugh.  He always has.  It’s one of the things that made me fall in love with him all those years ago, and 17 years later he still knows how to get a good laugh out of me.  

While my husband has faults (I mean don’t we all?) his sense of humor is one of his greatest strengths and one of the things that I love most about him!  Truth be told though I don’t always think he is funny.  I used to.  But after all these years there are times where I am just plain old grumpy and nothing he can do can make me laugh, but he tries, and I love that about him.

We moved not too long ago, and while moving to a new place is a great adventure, it can also mean leaving behind dear friends.  Recently while lying in bed, my husband was asking me if I missed my friends that we had moved away from.  Of course, I do! I miss those friendships with women that I grew to truly love and who brought so much happiness to my life.  But truth be told, I brought my best friend with me.  My husband is my best friend.  Always has and always will be. 

Psychologist John Gottman teaches that happy marriages are based on the foundation of friendship.  In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Gottman teaches that “friendship offers the best protection against feeling adversarial towards your spouse” and explains that positive thoughts about one another can supersede negative feelings towards one another.  

All couples will disagree, argue, and even fight.  So how should we argue?

John Gottman’s research has shown that the way in which an argument will play out is largely determined by how it begins and warns to avoid harsh startups.

Another principle taught by Gottman is that which he calls The 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse: 

These strategies of argument can be destructive and can ultimately overwhelm a person to the point that repairing the damage is almost impossible.  

Repair Attempts

“Repair attempts… any statement or action-silly or otherwise-that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”

While repair attempts can be unsuccessful after a pattern of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, strong couples who feel positively towards one another can use “repair attempts” as their secret weapons of success.  The key is that in to successfully send repair attempts to our spouse and to be able to accept them when they are thrown at us we must have already established a friendship with one another where our positive feelings can override our negative feelings.

Would it surprise you if I told you that my husband often uses humor as a “repair attempt”? It’s amazing how something as simple as a silly face or a little sarcasm accompanied with a big smile can often break down the wall between us.

References

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.